The Loneliness Blog
There’s nothing like waking up in the morning feeling great. This is due to the fact that I dread mornings almost close to the extent I dread Cancer. When I do wake up feeling O.K., I run with it. I usually get about 30 odd seconds of peace before the memory of last night’s dreams kick in. Last night, I dreamt of a girl I like. Possibly the most amazing person on this Earth by far and is no comparison to anyone I have met or even heard of, who in turn would like nothing more than to stay clear away from me, and I have no idea why. Her name is X. This petite (yet voluptuous) smiling Blonde was and still is my ideal of perfection. She is the kind of person who would accept one for whom they are, tolerate ones every shortfall and ask nothing in return but contact, love and affection. The fact she tolerated the uncouth beast that was my “friend” for so many years baffles me greatly, yet does make some sense considering her attitude.
The dream was a flashback to the time when I no longer was friends with her Ex Boyfriend, and we struck a friendship deriving from sheer loneliness and the need for companionship. That seldom meeting for the sake of emotion quickly became outings to restaurants, films and some of the city’s finest outlooks. The dream, however, was a flashback of a telephone conversation. I had just been attacked by not only her Ex Boyfriend, but 5 others of which I thought were my friends. I fought as hard as I could, landing a few blows into the Jaw of a few dissidents. Eventually, pulled by my collar to the floor from behind, and beaten with poles. I was rightly exposed. All the communiqué we shared had been brought out into light. My personal conversations of my immense and unyielding loneliness exposed to brutes who would understand not an inch of depth in my words. The call came through; “What are we”, she asks in distress and anxious tone. In fear and self loathing, I reply “we are… friends”. I had forsaken the possible and quite probably love of my life out of fear. This is definitely my own fault and I pay the price daily, for 5 straight years.
That beating cost me a lot more than X. It cost me the respect of my friends, which was teetering on the edge for quite some time. I am an emotional introspective and deep individual. I have no issues exposing my inner most thoughts to friends, and in turn did not fit in at all with my group, but was accepted for who I was. This is enough for me to smile, so I was quite happy. However, now my image tarnished, as the weakling who did not rise to the challenge (I did try though), and the fool who deliberately slept with a “friends” Ex. Sadly (and it is only sad at this point in time), I did not even hold her hand. I respected her need for space, and again, sadly, I was way too shy to have moved in strongly, even though I’m sure that’s what she wanted. X was not just pretty, she was a Goddess. The kind of beautify that makes one delusional thinking such thoughts as setting fire to the world, to make her smile. Keeping my hands to myself for such a long time was definitely a feat of strength and a definite challenge. One of my main reasons for the fear, however, is the fact that I consider myself to be one of the ugliest people on this planet. I still think I am, and have thought so since I was 14 years of age.
With my friends slowly drifting away from me, I saw the future. I will always be alone. I spoke to X for a year or so after the debacle while spending my days working in my home and nights in utter solitude due to not being invited anywhere, by anyone for anything. And then one day, she vanished. In reality, I vanished. We spoke over the Internet for that period, and not once did I invite her out. Not once did I ever ask if she wanted to even grab lunch with me! Why? Fear… To this day I don’t know what I was scared of. I assume I was scared, this time, of being rejected, which I was quite sure would arise. Now, in 2013, she does not even pick up my calls. Never replies to my messages, and has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me.
I know that if she were to read this, it would not make a difference as I’m sure a Goddess like her is on the fast track to marriage. I just want to say though, that if you do manage to read this at some point in the future, and realize this is about you, just remember that there is a love inside my heart for you that never died, and I miss you every day.
To this day I awake from a slumber semi-deep to the words, “We are friends”, and this does not hold truth today, because we are not. Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Express your love quickly and swiftly, and slink away into the night. Hide your face from their gaze and stare at the sky.