REM to Remember

The Loneliness Blog

There’s nothing like waking up in the morning feeling great. This is due to the fact that I dread mornings almost close to the extent I dread Cancer. When I do wake up feeling O.K., I run with it. I usually get about 30 odd seconds of peace before the memory of last night’s dreams kick in. Last night, I dreamt of a girl I like. Possibly the most amazing person on this Earth by far and is no comparison to anyone I have met or even heard of, who in turn would like nothing more than to stay clear away from me, and I have no idea why. Her name is X. This petite (yet voluptuous) smiling Blonde was and still is my ideal of perfection. She is the kind of person who would accept one for whom they are, tolerate ones every shortfall and ask nothing in return but contact, love and affection. The fact she tolerated the uncouth beast that was my “friend” for so many years baffles me greatly, yet does make some sense considering her attitude.

The dream was a flashback to the time when I no longer was friends with her Ex Boyfriend, and we struck a friendship deriving from sheer loneliness and the need for companionship. That seldom meeting for the sake of emotion quickly became outings to restaurants, films and some of the city’s finest outlooks. The dream, however, was a flashback of a telephone conversation. I had just been attacked by not only her Ex Boyfriend, but 5 others of which I thought were my friends. I fought as hard as I could, landing a few blows into the Jaw of a few dissidents. Eventually, pulled by my collar to the floor from behind, and beaten with poles. I was rightly exposed. All the communiqué we shared had been brought out into light. My personal conversations of my immense and unyielding loneliness exposed to brutes who would understand not an inch of depth in my words. The call came through; “What are we”, she asks in distress and anxious tone. In fear and self loathing, I reply “we are… friends”. I had forsaken the possible and quite probably love of my life out of fear. This is definitely my own fault and I pay the price daily, for 5 straight years.

That beating cost me a lot more than X. It cost me the respect of my friends, which was teetering on the edge for quite some time. I am an emotional introspective and deep individual. I have no issues exposing my inner most thoughts to friends, and in turn did not fit in at all with my group, but was accepted for who I was. This is enough for me to smile, so I was quite happy. However, now my image tarnished, as the weakling who did not rise to the challenge (I did try though), and the fool who deliberately slept with a “friends” Ex. Sadly (and it is only sad at this point in time), I did not even hold her hand. I respected her need for space, and again, sadly, I was way too shy to have moved in strongly, even though I’m sure that’s what she wanted. X was not just pretty, she was a Goddess. The kind of beautify that makes one delusional thinking such thoughts as setting fire to the world, to make her smile. Keeping my hands to myself for such a long time was definitely a feat of strength and a definite challenge. One of my main reasons for the fear, however, is the fact that I consider myself to be one of the ugliest people on this planet. I still think I am, and have thought so since I was 14 years of age.

With my friends slowly drifting away from me, I saw the future. I will always be alone. I spoke to X for a year or so after the debacle while spending my days working in my home and nights in utter solitude due to not being invited anywhere, by anyone for anything. And then one day, she vanished. In reality, I vanished. We spoke over the Internet for that period, and not once did I invite her out. Not once did I ever ask if she wanted to even grab lunch with me! Why? Fear… To this day I don’t know what I was scared of. I assume I was scared, this time, of being rejected, which I was quite sure would arise. Now, in 2013, she does not even pick up my calls. Never replies to my messages, and has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me.

I know that if she were to read this, it would not make a difference as I’m sure a Goddess like her is on the fast track to marriage. I just want to say though, that if you do manage to read this at some point in the future, and realize this is about you, just remember that there is a love inside my heart for you that never died, and I miss you every day.

To this day I awake from a slumber semi-deep to the words, “We are friends”, and this does not hold truth today, because we are not.  Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Express your love quickly and swiftly, and slink away into the night. Hide your face from their gaze and stare at the sky.

Humble Beginnings

The Loneliness Blog

Cliché! Typically though… It’s rampant issue being justification for such a view. How long has the world been black? Oh, I don’t know… Since it began, I suppose. It’s been years since I even first conceived the idea to write. Why I decided to start today must be the reason I came up with the rubbish idea in the first place; pain. I’m intact, physically, luckily… Emotionally mangled and best likened to multiple car pileup involving one Semi, and a mini… I keep moving though. You have to keep moving, so they say. Move here, move there – end up, nowhere!

So, I’m 27 in a few days. Lovely, one would think. One not so informed or savvy, and with good reason since I don’t know who you are. Heck, even the ones who know me aren’t savvy themselves. It’s been 5 years, and I haven’t had any contact with anyone on my Birthday. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that there’s no one to really do anything with. All my life though, I mostly have bad Birthday memories. I always deduced, even at a young age, that perhaps I am not important enough to even keep ones word to and damned if I’m going to get upset about it. I won’t be upset, or at least wouldn’t be because I felt I didn’t deserve to get in the way of other people’s lives. It got worse, as I got older, as things usually do. I remember hanging with one particular group whom were all quite knowledgeable about their friend’s events schedule. I remember a surprise party every year for each one of them (which eventually was no surprise anymore). I guess they forgot mine; not so much as a hand shake. Still, I don’t really deserve such treatment – birthdays, who need them? This was when I was in my teens. My 21^st was garbage – not many friends to spend it with, and ended up getting some pretty crappy drugs. One of the group was my real friend, and the rest just made fun of me the whole evening. When I got home, I wanted to cut a cake my Mum bought with everyone including my girlfriend. Apparently this was not something my Father was quite happy with since he is considered by most as a psychotic and a complete prick. The day ended up being a huge fight. Happy 21^st! Not to say I’m turned off the whole Birthday experience – I just crave someone to spend it with. Finding people to be close to however is something that I am extremely bad at amongst the plethora of poor performance aspects I carry…

Trying to get away from such horrid thoughts, I still manage to take myself to a Gym on a daily basis! Strangely enough, at that time of day I feel somewhat normal. I go to a Gym for several reasons. Self Loathing being the main reason. I’ve always thought that people don’t pay attention to me when I speak, or are usually disinterested in what I have to say is due to the way I look. Don’t be fooled; a beautiful person with garbage to say will get much more interest. I’m not talking about sexual attraction – if you are generally poor looking; too big or too small and so on, you will generally have people ignoring you even if you are spraying the truth all over the footpath. So, I go to a Gym and at that Gym I lift inanimate objects trying to strengthen a dying shell. The only reason I still go is because after lifting those stupid weighted objects I somewhat feel ok about myself. The Gym I go to is small – very small! This way I don’t have to face many people. I try to limit my speech to very little, and be as blunt as possible. This way I can get my message out without being ignored, and slink out of the conversation looking like I’m in control. Still though, it’s more my face than my body, but I don’t have the cash to work on this mug. I don’t always succeed. I get the vibe from people’s expressions that I am a burden to have to pay any attention to. Ah, except for but one lovely lady, whom I’m quite certain, is married… A woman I met while doing my lower back exercises, who is not only my ideal desired archetype, but is in general absolutely beautiful. The reader is most likely picturing a busty blonde with a Gym body. Far from it! Brunette, slim, fair and definitely my age. Believe it or not but I actually spoke to her one day using an icebreaker in the form of a question regarding workouts. Yes, cheesy… I understand it to be the axiom of the shy male, but what’s a guy supposed to do? I follow the methods hardwired into my Genes, or something. To my surprise and overall delight, she looked up and smiled widely! What a smile I must say, but more-so the luxurious ambiance of a well lit expression; her, smile for that long, at me? And looking me in the eye too! That’s rare – loved every second of it. The next day, we had the Gym to ourselves. She struck up a conversation with me this time. Her icebreaker was the weather – magnificent. It could have been about dead kittens and I could have cared less. I introduced myself, had a little chat, and moved onto my next station. She didn’t say bye, but the reason I suspect her involvement with another male is because I noticed the left hand ring finger; occupied. Darn, damn and fuck, naturally.

For someone who is too scared to talk to people on some days to the point where I quickly jump back in my car and get myself home into my room with my Bong and Internet where I’m safe and happy – talk to a woman?

Success can come in many forms. Even a failure is a potential success. As silly as it may sound and mimic advice from a two dollar self help heap, it is more than possible to accept.